In Harm's Way

We all have our own reasons for intentionally putting ourselves in harm's way. Some come because it is their job to do so and, like it or not, it has to be done. Some come from a sense of service and a willingness to do what they can, where they can. Some believe they were sent by God and some, like me, respond to a strong inner voice that invites them to the Dance. Perhaps it is the same thing. But all these kind come on faith - belief without evidence - that this is the right place at the right time, regardless of the danger and privation.

Harm's way also attracts the pirates and profiteers and the lowly thief. They, too, have their place - and their opportunity for profit and unfair gain bears an unfortunate price. The fruit of robbing the weak and defenceless is a bitter, and often hideous, reward. Without repentance and reparation, the consequences can be frightening - and brutal to one's soul.

We come to serve and in the end we break our own hearts on purpose. We come from all over, with only a common intention to bind us together: a need to contribute and a desire to help make a difference. We don't expect gratitude or credit and keep none for ourselves. In fact, we give it to each other. We do what we have to do to get what we need for the people we serve, and in this way we are Renegades. Many of us don't get ID badges, or shirts with our names on them. We also don't get spools of red tape, chains of command that bind our helping hands....or clipboards.

We come to know and love each other in a very short time, because we are sharing a common peril. We carry each other's hearts in our back pockets, along with our work gloves, our duct tape and our stethoscopes. We discover that to find ourselves we must first give ourselves away and that all our fears are manifest hour by hour and we are constantly in a state of choice. Do it or don't. Some of us compensate by smoking too many cigarettes or drinking too many beers. Some of us hide from time to time and some of us grow numb. But all of us cry - inside, where those we came to serve aren't put in the position of having to comfort us. And if we are wise, we comfort each other, then and afterward.

When we return home, we struggle to be present, to be in this moment. Some of us endured the funny looks and the confusion of those we thought we knew, who questioned why we would do such a thing. Some of these lived in our own homes. We return to those same people and feel lonely and disconnected, sometimes enduring seemingly dumb questions and trivial matters that spun along in our absence. Sometimes we feel angry at a careless comment, such as "That's what they get for building a city below sea level." How can they understand? They weren't there, they never saw the elephant. We lived a dream and those who would be dream stealers may erode our memories, trivialize them and dismiss them wholesale - but only if we let them. The world is so much bigger than where we live and we know that now. We hang on to it, lonely perhaps, but satisfied in our hearts that we did what we went there to do.

I remember my fellow Renegades; their faces, their spirit, their commitment and their humour. I cried with them and held them as they cried. I will not forget Steven and Anastasia, Anita and the boys; Jen the nurse, Angels Stacy and Sherri - and Walter the pirate; Shawn and Skylar, Mike and Jack, Portland Tom and Florida William. I especially remember West Coast Tom and hold him in my heart. I will continue to believe in them all, especially on the days they struggle to believe in themselves. We kicked some ass and took some names and I am proud of us all. I remember scorching days and mosquito nights. I remember kneeling humbly beneath the solar shower, the metaphor not lost on me, and praying for strength and the good folk of Pearlington. I remember missing my wife and once again finding gratitude for the beauty and joy of my home and my family, perfectly safe back in Canada. I remember Hailey and the other kids, resilient beyond belief in the face of the most horrific destruction.

And I remember me and what I learned and how clear things get when you are focussed on a single task.